Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3

Another weekend and another edition of Top Gear greets us. In this show (based on Jeremy’s blurb in the opening credits) – the boys shout at the government, a man drives a Subaru through a building, and a dog goes in a car.

Opening the show is a review of a car that’s very good and appalling at the same time. The car in feature – Mercedes-Benz SL65 AMG Black. The car packs 6L twin turbo V12 dishing 660 hp and 740 lb-ft or torque enabling the car to go up to a limited 199 mph. That is already mind-boggling in Jezza’s standards but the other bits are standard – steel brakes, 5-speed gearbox, on-off traction control, and conventional suspensions. The car’s quite okay, even keeping up with the McLaren SLR.

However, the problems with it: it’s as comfortable as a pile of rocks, the massive torque is countered by the traction control, the rear spoiler goes up at 75 mph which, on the road, means any cop can readily tell you’re speeding, it guzzles a full tank after 250 miles, and a huge turning circle. The worst bit – it’s a fixed-roof hard top spoiling the SL fun. Factoring all of those, it’s a “sublime, brilliant, super-exciting rubbish.” Power lap: 1:23.

In the news: the new Citroen C3, gifts for women (electrical appliances, soap, handbags) in the context of a Camaro handbag, the coupling of Hammond’s bull mastiff and labradoodle (which we can assume is Top Gear Dog) the result of which is a Laverda 3CL, car sauna contest (the boys trapped themselves in a car windows up, heater on), and the recession to segue to the next segment.

And that would be their analysis of “cheap and cheerful” cars like the Perodua Myvi, the Chevrolet Aveo, and Proton Satria Neo. The boys are trying to prove that the global financial crisis has hit them as well, that, instead of driving a Prosche, a Ferrari and an Aston, they’re now scuttling about in cheap small cars.

Their first task in service of the nation, park in front of the business district and pick off random bankers and tease them with the cheap cars. And since, the banks aren’t just the ones to blame, the boys pulled over, spray painted their cars, and held a protest motorcade shouting “What do we want? Aston Martins! V8 not G8!” They went mucking about, until, off course, they got fed up driving their cheap cars.

Next up, their star in a reasonably-price car – stand-up comedian Michael McIntyre. Well, he’s done quite a lot of comedy work for the past couple of years but the interview annoyed me quite a lot. McIntyre tried to make a stand-up session out of it cutting Jezza off most of the time. Too bad Jezza found him hilarious. His lap: 1:48.7.

James flies overseas to California to meet Ken Block. Ken’s a rallyist who ditches mountain roads for an airport as his training ground. Captain Slow rides shotgun with Ken in his Subaru Impreza around the track built around the airport. Mad driving by Block powersliding through almost impossible obstacles. Somewhere along the dirt track dirtbike Ricky Carmichael pops out of nowhere and gives all of us some really nice visuals including a breathtaking jump across two ramps!

The producers weren’t too happy with the first segment on small cars so the boys had to re-do the segment. This time, they picked out three cars that they liked. No London streets this time, but they do get a track time. Jezza got a Skoda Roomster diesel. Hamster got an Alfa Romeo MiTo. Captain Slow rounds up the pack with a Toyota iQ.

They’re allowed to choose a test each so that’s three tests for the three cars. First – a drag race as chosen by Richard. The result: the MiTo zoomed across the flag first, then the iQ, and after a day’s worth of TV time, the Roomster. Next – a quality test that checks the loudness and vibration at 50 mph as chosen by Captain Slow. The result: 63 db for the MiTo and the Roomster, 61 for th iQ. As for harshness, 2.1 for the Roomster, 1.8 for the MiTo, and 1.5 for the iQ.

Jezza’s test – each presenter takes a dog into the car, does a lap around the track, and, the kicker, if the dog looks sad after lap, the car’s disqualified. The MiTo takes an Irish wolfhound and finishes the lap in 7:13. The Roomster takes a great Dane and finishes in 4:30. Finally, James takes a St. Bernard and finishes in 6:48.

The next challenges – a bunch of real world tests. Fuel test – the iQ consumed £4.60, the MiTo consumed £5.03, and the Roomster £7.23. Next, the first one to see someone else driving the same make and model in Notting Hill wins. Unfortunately for them, the streets were lined with Fiat 500s.

Quite a so-so episode from the boys but it’s Top Gear! We take what we can get.